Mixed Up--When Sometimes You Lose Yourself in Your Head

Photo by Eiliv-Sonas Aceron on Unsplash

When I was a little, the first time I know what "pray" is when I talk to 'something' unseen, 'something' that I couldn't see, but I know It's There. I did it when I heard my parents have a tough fight. Their loud voices, the noises, the arguing, all that sounds came into my ears and I couldn't bear with it.

I cried alone in my room--my sister was only baby born back then. She slept, if I wasn't wrong. I hugged my teddy bear. The tears overflowed through my small cheeks.

I didn't know what to do.

I'm just confused.

What happened?

Then, while hugged my teddy bear, I said this into 'something' unseen I called "Tuhan":

"Ya Tuhan, tolong buat mereka udahan berantemnya."

...while my cheeks kept wet because of never-ending-tears. That words totally came from a little girl who's innocent, sincere, and the only thing she wanted was just her parents stop fighting. Stop arguing.

And...miracle happened. They stopped fight. They were no longer talked about who's deserve to die first (yea, one holding a scissors, another holding a pen).

I was scared back then. I heard it all. I heard 'em.

Then...the life still goes on. Time still click-clock-ing.

---

The fight won't stop right there. Yea, I know. It was a common thing for husband and wife to have a fight in their marriage life. One thing I didn't realize all this time was: I've affected by it.

When I grew older, I often felt like I should help them. I have to. When they were in arguing-time, one of them will call me out and involve me into their debate. I feels like a moderator in the seminary or debate competition. I have no problems at first, but in these 2 years recently, I'm getting sick and tired. I feel drained.

I ask myself, "Is it the right thing to do? Do I have a life that I should pursue? Don't I have a life purpose that God has design for me? Or is it His life purpose for me--to help my parents' problems, forever?"

(You can read my previous story about my struggling to live at home here and here.)

Sometimes I remind myself, like:

"Hey, you should give thanks for your own family. Look at your friends. Some of them live in broken-home situation. Some of them has lost their parents, one of or both. You shouldn't burdened like this. Be grateful!"

But....it doesn't mean my life is struggling-free, right?

Look. Seeing your own parents fight in front of them is much like you're a moderator for seminary or debate competition. And it's not a common thing.

It hurts me.

It scares me.

I couldn't remember how many times I threw my phone or any small thing near me, just because my emotions was mixed up with them when they're on fight.

I couldn't remember how many times I scream out loud--and didn't care what my neighbours would say--just because my emotions was mixed up with them.

My emotions was mixed up with them...

Now I realize that...I often made a decision based on 'what would my parents think? what would they say about this or that?'.

Not based on: because I want it. I need it. I think it's the right thing.

No.

And I also understand what was really happened to me when I went to psychiatrist last week. This called: ambivalent. This explains why, at the same time, I love my parents and feel so scared to losing them, but I also hate them, especially when they fight.

---

Tuesday, May 11th 2021. Night.

The dizziness attacks my head when I, again, be their 'moderator'. Once I refuse and ignore when dad called me out.

But he kept calling me.

So I sat on my room's border. Just sat and heard them.

I wanted to give an advice but I didn't know what should I say to them.

I'm confused. I feel dizzy. So I just kept silent, and when I couldn't bear it anymore, I just said:

"Ya lagian ngapain pake nimbulin virus segala sih. Papa mungkin yang kena virus jadinya ini merembet kemana-mana. Berpikir logis aja deh sama-sama."

The 'virus' on this topic wasn't refers to COVID-19 or any small-and-unseen-submicroscopic-thing, no. When there's something bothered my dad's head or heart, he would call it a 'virus'. And his tendency was get rid of that 'virus' as soon as possible. Immediately.

But the truth is, sometimes the 'virus' would gone if only he admit that he's hurt. If only he could face his own fear. If only he could admit that he's failed at some point. I know maybe it's not an easy thing to be honest--even to himself--and to be vulnerable. But sometimes life teaches us that there is many seasons that we should take process and embrace the progress then. Sometimes we couldn't get rid of that 'virus' in just one night.

After said that, I walk slowly and as calmly as I can to my room, sat down in tears, and thought about leaving home (yea, I wonder how many times I thinking about escape from home).

Many questions swarmed in my head:

Why daddy always involves me into their fight?

Why daddy always depends on me?

Why he can't solve their marriage problems by themselves?

Does he know that I haven't married yet? (Of course he knows!) Even I haven't any relationship with any boyfriend, doesn't he know that?

So why he always keeps me involve into the arguing? I don't have any advice to give because I don't know anything about relationship!

---

Actually, what happened tonight was not as scary as it is. They still fight, arguing, the tone was a little lower, but what made me dizzy because I couldn't understand what they're actually argue for. I'm a useless moderator tonight. I don't know what to say. I just sat with my mind-blowing; play some child music or voice in my own head, sometimes wishing that I could meet a little Meista in my head and asked her what to say.

Yea, I lost my mind.

---

I know my parents' love is much enough for me, even until know.

I know it's my blessing to have them in my life.

The thing that I want to figure out is: what should I do?

What should I decide?

Should I have to keep 'mixed-up' with their emotions and problems?

Is there any possibility, by any chance, for me to live this life purposely, without these mixed-up-emotions with my parents, but at the same time I still able to respect them?

Now I realize why I'm pretty scare of romance relationship.

Now I realize why I'm pretty scare of marriage.

Now I have an head-ache because of dizziness.

What a life.